FERGIE'S TITLE TOAST

Before uncorking the vino and charging Curbishley's glass, Fergie addressed the crowd.

"I think we should all congratulate..."

And I swear he was going to say West Ham.

It's in our hands, says Fergie: Click here for all the big-match reaction

Let's get one thing straight. Manchester United would have beaten this woeful West Ham team under ANY circumstances.

The goals from Cristiano Ronaldo — a double taking him past 30 in the league — Carlos Tevez and Michael Carrick were the products of rancid defending ...not West Ham taking a dive like boxers paid by a back-street bookie.

But when a Dean Ashton strike came out of the claret and blue and Nani showed Fergie he knows the meaning of a Glasgow kiss, Curbishley's team had the perfect opportunity to bury the suspicions of conspiracy theorists like Grant.

Risk

But their second-half performance stank. Really stank.

For goodness sake, Tevez — his smile more goofy than ever — was waving to the crowd while play went on around him.

With a one-man advantage and United far from fluent, West Ham barely ventured towards Edwin van der Sar's general vicinity.

And then there was a bizarre unwillingness to close opponents down.

Fergie said he did not dare risk Wayne Rooney with his hip problem.

He could have risked Mickey Rooney against this lot.

And he's probably got a false hip.

Of course, the malaise at West Ham has been spreading for a couple of months and Curbishley cannot be held fully responsible for a set of players who look completely disinterested in finishing the season with a semblance of dignity.

But his injudicious remarks — ‘I'll raise a glass if United win the title' — put him on a hiding to nothing.

And, much to the chagrin of Fergie no doubt, clouded the clear blue title water that United have now put between themselves and Chelsea.

And dimmed Ronaldo's razzle-dazzle.

There are few signs that the sheer weight of accolades is anchoring Ronaldo.

He still moves like a puck across ice.

The Rear of the Year award is up for grabs — so to speak — and Lucas Neill is now well qualified to judge Ronaldo's credentials.

Neill was left on his own backside by the first of a torrent of tricks, gazing up from the turf as Ronaldo disappeared and sent a shot past Rob Green via George McCartney's thigh.

Like Ronaldo needs deflected help.

Actually, his goals yesterday will stand out like two ugly ducklings in a season stocked with swans.

Error

The second went in almost apologetically off his, er, inner thigh from an Owen Hargreaves cross that young James Tomkins decided he was allergic to.

There are still some sceptics who will not waver from the idea that Ronaldo is a flat track bully.

One thing is for sure. He takes little mercy on the vulnerable. And as tracks go, they don't come much flatter than West Ham at the moment.

Perhaps as a gesture of gratitude for his help last season, they extended an open shooting invitation to Tevez.

It was one he accepted stylishly and from distance to apparently terminate the contest and leave Curbishley cringing over those ill-judged remarks.

But Ashton went overhead and Nani lost his. And we almost had a proper match.

Almost

Ashton wheeled out his bicycle-kick to unmercifully punish a rare Wes Brown error before Nani the Nutter announced himself.

Neill wound him up — a sly knee in the back, a grab below the midriff — and, quite amusingly, Nani fell for it.

It's hard to know what was more pathetic. His half-hearted headbutt or his hilarious face-grabbing, falling ruse to try and fool Mike Riley.

Even Riley isn't stupid enough to fall for that one. And as a stare that would scare Hannibal Lecter followed Nani along the touchline, Ferguson might have worried that his title hopes could unravel.

Grant might have inched closer to his TV set.

Yet such was the poverty of West Ham's second-half performance, Nani's nod was reduced to a complete irrelevance.

Not only did they barely muster a shot on target, they seemed reluctant to dispossess the champions-elect.

And bearing in mind their numerical advantage, to allow Carrick such an inordinate amount of time to bring a bouncing ball in control, wander forward a few yards and fire off a shot was criminal.

Loose

That it beat Green via another deflection — this time off Neill — was not unfortunate for West Ham. It was what their limp, lazy display deserved.

The emphatic nature of the scoreline was a fitting symbol of this United season.

They are thrillingly vibrant, wonderfully adventurous and they boast remarkably talented individuals.

And they have fantastic servants not only to the club but to football itself. Players like Ryan Giggs, who can now break Bobby Charlton's appearance record if he plays in Moscow.

But sadly, this game will be talked about as much for the pitiful opposition as for the majestic defenders of the Premier League crown.

And for that, Curbishley — and his loose tongue — must take some of the blame.

No wonder he sent assistant Mervyn Day to face reporters.

Let's hope he wasn't busy raising that glass of red...after his side raised the white flag, he didn't deserve it.