All Aboard The Tottenham Express To Anfield.

London to Liverpool for eight quid ...beer not included ... oh well you cannot have everything. Yes some of our Kent Pub are training to Anfield. More accurately if you've been before you know you parachute out of the train at Lime Street,Liverpool, execute a soft landing at Sandhills Railway Station ( very appropriate with summer descending fast ) and then jump on a Soccerbus.

Voila you are there and ready to enjoy the final act of " The Travelling Tottenham Hotspur Show " for 2008-2009. What a finale it is. Do we thereafter line up for European train tickets or as some at our Pub are leaning to, just heave an almighty sigh of relief.

Rescue mission done 'Arry and do we need the distraction of the Europa League next year anyway. Just before looking at our final outing a quick muse on the Man. City game  ...

City At The Lane.

A first half of Spurs dominance with insufficient return on money/effort invested. Probaly should have put the game to bed before half time  but the end result was more black ink on the balance sheet and three League points.

On a late season learning curve Huddleston showed unaccustomed athleticism and his already renowned passing ability. Our pub's banker , given the financial times, is used to dealing with an enigmatic prospectus. So where do we go with a still  young Tom. Surprisingly he turned 22 on Dec 28 last year.

General concensus here is if only he could erdicate the "casual factor', some call it laziness, then he has a big future at The Lane. His creativity is priceless ... ergo the pass which set up the Defoe backheel goal. Glory and the Spurs way at its best or most glorious. Daniel Blanchflower might even take note.

Blanchflower would certainly welcome the creative genius that is our Luka Modric. Do you like all at our Pub have the same sense of anticiption and expectation every time he receives the ball. He surges forward and its always with purpose and menace.

We used to think the best first touch in English football belonged to a certain Bulgarian striker (  pun regards the striker description intended ... Sunderland vs Spurs anyone when he refused to play for Martin Jol ). Not a patch on Luka. Yes Berbatov still a class act although more reliant on his Spurs CV rather than Manchester United playing exploits come lately. The big difference is Luka can do it in heavy and closely contested, combative midfield traffic. Unlike Dimitar whose deft flicks etc are more in the less populated areas away from the immediate goa larea. Yes he can do it in traffic also but as Sir Alex is finding out the consistency is not always there...

Enough of our last game at the Lane for this year, even though we all went away with the warm cockles of a fortress feeling about our beloved ground. In our case that led to much celebrationat a Kent Pub.  Mine Host did shout the entire pub a season ending round which did put the proverbial icing on the proverbial cake.

Given that induced buoyant state minds  turned to ... not the Academy Awards .. Not The Razzie Awards ... but at great expense to the management of a certain south east drinking venue ...

The Kent Pub Football Awards  2008-2009.

Unlike a recent European song contest the Kent Pub awards are incorruptible. Anyone who turns up to the pub whether regular or irregular has an equal and democratic turn at making their opinion known and counted.

Mine host, recently returned from a sabbatical in the Canary Islands, ( tough in the pub trade ... mind there are long hours to be served ) has the responsibility of totting up votes  usually on the back of a disused menu pad .

Without further ado ...

The Charles Darwin Award ... Endangered Species.

And the nominees are ...

An early one ... Juande Ramos .. an early favorite but too early (endangered and gone that is ) ... so really a dummy nominee.

An award otherwise embarrassed by riches galore ...

Ricardo Rocha ... an honest servant bought to plug a hole ... trouble was finding which hole he fitted.

Gilberto ... doesn't seem to have a back or front name on the official site ... perhaps thats where the problem started ... no one will forget the faux pas early on at the lane in the Euro match ... fits the seemed like a good idea at the time category. Oh well at least he fits unlike poor old Ricardo.

And the winner is ...

David of Bently of Blackburn and of Arsenal sometime back. An expensive puchase by Senor Ramos presumably because the Aaron Lennon star had yet to surface again. From twenty thousand leagues under for Aaron it was not looking good either.Unfortunately with Juande gone and a new day for Aaron it all went belly up for David.

Our lawyer thinks if only he could resurrect that venemous right cross on a regular basis there's a lot left in David Bentley. Unfortunately seems Harry has to sell to buy and the Bentley sale may well be the least damaging and most likely to gather funds.

The Monty Python Award ... Comedy At It's Best ... Embarassing Moments.

And the nominees are ...

A foreword ... sorry to spoil the party but the early days of Heurelho Gomes are too obvious to merit entry qualification. At our pub he has become a cult hero and we prefer to remember and delight in his more lately ... bloody great goalkeeping days ... did say he was thought of particularly highly out these parts.

And so to ...

We all make mistakes but apparently Sandra Redknapp .".my missus "  would have scored that one against Portsmouth from about five yards.

And the unlikely winner is ...

Com on down Darren Bent ... yes an embarassing miss which at the time was more keenly felt than normal because of our relegation rescue mission hanging in the balance.

Probably unkind but given Darrens credentials for nomination in the previously mentioned Charles Darwin Awards seems to fit an appropriate hole.

Before we come to the main award perhaps thereshould be general recognition of some notable contributions ...

Just Quickly.

 The Faberge Hair Care Award   ... not only most improved officially but seems when he's not putting in damn good stuff on the pitch he's competing with that bloke from Everton in the hair style stakes.

Good on you ..
                          Benoit Assou -Ekoto.

Honourable Mentions ..

David Bentley of course and for the non tonsorially challenged ... ie the long hair brigade ... our personal pub favourite .. Jonathon Woodgate.

Another Monty Python Award ... The Argument Sketch.

Hands down winner to the pointy shouty bloke ...come on down...

Robert David Keane ... still only 26 years old.

Not sure where he fits next year after his coming certainly lifted a dismal dressing room. Whatever a positive contribution to where we end up. The debate of where to from here will rage thereafter.

The Tail Gunner Award ... Most Dangerous Position In The Club.

Contenders here could cover the spectrum from goalkeeper to club chairman. Forgive our Kent logic but this man was brought in to solve a certain longstanding Spurs deficiency. A dangerous spot to be in. Particularly at a club reputably as fickle as our Spurs.

What happened. A masterstroke of the club. Seems the manager identified the target, the chairman and board agreed, Lo and behold he was signed and arrived. Someone who would fit easily into the Manchester Uniteds of this world. A South American gem. A measure of steel to the Tottenham midfield.

And the winner is ...

Wilson Palacios ... probably our most important signing this year. Oops yes what about Luka you say. Okay both great and others too.

Like all award ceremonies they can drag but last but not least our Pub voted on a final category ..so to recognition of the most coveted club award of all...

The Club Man Award .

Most of us are used to going along to our local club awards and the most prestigious award ( most goals and best player gongs apart ) is to the person who contributes ceaselessly, relentlessly and industriously to our club ... behind the scenes.Usually a quiet almost unsung hero. Certainly an award recognising off pitch contribution foremost.

And so to the nominees ..

Aaron Lennon, Jermaine Defoe, Allan Hutton are names that quickly spring to mind. However head and shoulders, literally, above all ...

                      as the bouncer at Faces said .. "He's a bloody big bloke."

The winner is ..

 historically ...11 August 2008 ...   "Faces"   Gants Hill ...

                     25 Febuary 2008 ...same club ...Carling Cup Celebration...

                     17 May 2009 .....Punk Club Soho.....

Probably because he is our beloved leader and is human afterall ... why not celebrate the good times ...

Unfortunately a prowling camera is lurking ...

Of course Ledley King ... certainly enjoys his Club THFC and clubs otherwise.

Look if a poll was taken Ledley epitomises all that is great about the greatest football club on the planet.

At A Kent Pub.

Why not drop down and share a pint with us soon ... after all whatever comes out of Sunday we will be smiling.

Cheers.

Indiana Hotspur At The Theatre Of Dreams.... A Twenty Year Hoodoo Broken?

Theatre of Dreams or Temple of Doom. Spurs will need adventurous spirit galore, midfield intensity and all of Indiana's famous luck to escape from the clutches of Sir Alex Ferguson and his band of millionaires at Old Trafford in the late afternoon blockbuster. One of the games of the season always.

Ahead of a preview of the classic that awaits ...

Just Lately.

The hoodoo of a league win over Newcastle was broken with a controlled Spurs performance. Always in control but always but one goal ahead despite 18 scoring shots to 3. Reflects well on the industry of our defence and midfield. Also says a lot about their "attack" or lack of.

Curiously a lot at our Pub who had professed a fondness for Newcastle in times past developed a massive desire to bury them particularly after the Bent goal. Perhaps the recent tabloidal gushings about Tyneside having "the world's greatest fans" and the heroic appearance of Indiana Shearer riding to relegation rescue has been too much. A rescue timed so as to enable present hero status being either enhanced or if relegation happens then status preserved.

Mind even Dr. Henry Walton "Indiana" Jones Jr. to give him his full moniker couldn't save Newcastle now. He'll be too busy fighting battles at Mancunian snakepits.

Raiders of the Lost Goal.

A heck of a hoodoo with 1989 being our last league win at Old Trafford. Of course there was that Pedro Mendes lost goal "winner" on 3 January 2005. As I say somewhat of a hoodoo. The curse didn't stop there either. The Referee who helped bungle it on the night, one Mark Clattenburg, has since disappeared down a large crevasse with all sorts of shady types and allegations in hot pursuit.

Whoever turns out for United means a very strong opponent. Vidic and Ferdinand mean our attack of Keane, Bent and Defoe will need some magic from the flanks.

Modric up against Rafael Silva and Lennon versus Evra gives cause for optimism. Add an energetic midfield into the mix it looks better. Palacios should continue to shine on a big stage. His steel and lately displayed improved distribution will be a key factor.

If our Rolls Royce Ledley starts with Woodgate then it starts to even up.Ronaldo is still a worry as is Rooney. That leads us to ...

The Curse of the Bulgarian Diamond.

Some might say the sale of Robbie Keane to Liverpool for twenty million pounds was "good business". Unfortunately the curse of the football ghods or perhaps just a certain Spaniard ,Rafael Benitez, meant his Liverpool days were numbered. Still "good business " even after his cut price return to Spurs.

Certainly the 10 to midnight sale of Dimitar Berbatov on the last transfer day left Juande Ramos cursing his Spanish  luck. Both lynchpins of a feared strike force gone.

Juande's luck and all ran out shortly thereafter. Or did it. Soon appeared directing operations at a very large Spanish theatre. Real Madrid. Spurs fortunes appeared to be heading down a nearby plughole. Lo and behold the coming of 'Arry and here we are about to board another European coach tour.

Whether the curse of the returning ex-player strikes on Saturday will be vital or fatal to Spurs chances. Berbatov a striker in all ways ... remember the refusal to play at Sunderland . Yes keep one quiet and another bobs up but our Pub haven't been this excited or expectant about breaking the hoodoo for some time. Certain to be compelling viewing ...

At A Kent Pub ... The Couldn't Resist It Department.

From the realms of adventure /fantasy movies surely. A well known visually challenged (at important and convenient times only) Premier manager commented after Cesc Fabregasp was charged with improper conduct by the FA regards an alleged spitting incident at the conclusion of the Arsenal v Hull game...

" I personally looked at the reports, at the video evidence and there is nothing in there against Cesc." ... thanks to The Independent 24 April.

Surely the FA should be charged with improper conduct of launching a hopelessly doomed prosecution as well as improper temerity. I mean Monsieur Wenger has spoken. Then again what else would he say.

Debate here at our Pub rages over the merits of European qualification. Do we want the Europa . I mean the pilgrimage to Donetzk is hardly edifying. Still our banker aspires to those balmy evenings at the San Siro. Little steps I suppose.  Europa this year and Champions League qualification the next.

Yet another reason why breaking that 20 year hoodoo and continuing our great record against the Sky Four this year means victory to Spurs happens Saturday.

Europe Or Bust ... Ham At The Lane.

Lasagna and not ham more readily springs to mind when ruminating on end of season derbies between Spurs and the Hammers. May 7, 2006, was that away derby disaster which saw Spurs defeat mean no Champions League spot.

Our Thursday evening team meeting here at Pub Kent was full of Easter holiday expectation. Expectation born of an extended holiday break but as well hopes of success in a Saturday six pointer. Three winning points pushes us beyond the clutches of relegation and three points closer to West Ham and Europa next year.

Our Tranmere accountant has scribbled some sums on the back of a pub menu flyer and it makes interesting reading ...

Accidentally Counting ... Can Spurs Overtake West Ham.

Our hopes are probably as dodgy as that 2006 lasagna if the Hammers win on Saturday. The gap will be 9 rather than 3.

Six games left after that. Spurs beat Newcastle at home and Ham are beaten away by Villa. Forty four all!  Next Man U beat Spurs and Ham fall to Chelsea. We then beat Brom.and they lose to Stoke away.
Spurs 47 and Ham 44.

Spurs then lose to Everton away as do Ham to Liverpool. We go to 50 points after defeating Man City at the Lane. They lose away to Everton.

Sunday May 24 dawns and even a gastronomical disaster means we are eating abroad again next year. Liverpool beat Spurs away and Ham beat Middlesboro falling 3 points short. Bob Dylan is singing happy birthday to himself in the background.

Perhaps the footballing ghods are having a last laugh 2 years after that dodgy 2006 game. I'm not sure whether Mine Host is doctoring the beer but the above seems realistic to all here ...

At A Kent Pub ... So Can They Win Today.

Referee Peter Walton has a lot to answer for after his incorrect sending off of Wilson Palacios means no gamet for our key midfielder. Zokora to start brings to mind the comparison of meat and potatoes versus souffle. Hopefully Didier leaves the headless chicken part of his efforts at home and his otherwise excellent attributes rise to the occasion.

Elsewhere we appear to have a more potent attacking line. Dean Ashton and Cole are both out for Ham . With an unchanged back four for Spurs ( crossed fingers on Ledley's knee )  and some exciting opportunities provided by Aaron Lennon against Lucas Neill , surely Spurs can shade it.

At Chez Lane a continuation of our home form means a derby double over Ham this season and a roaring trade at our Pub on Easter Sunday.

Hope the bunny delivers an early Easter egg with Spurs smiles all over it.

When Harry Met Sally and Guus Met Elizabeth : Chelsea at The Lane.

Sally Redknapp and Darren Bent's scoring prowess have provided tabloidal ammunition galore. Elsewhere Herr Hiddink's partner has not been called upon. Perhaps that is a pointer to one of the key battles at the Lane today.

Apologies to Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan who provided some memorable moments in the famous film, particularly that scene at the cafeteria.

Before coming back to the big game perhaps a quick look at how things have been progressing ...

Just Lately.

A committed and unusually relentless display by Spurs continues a good league run. Certainly the concentration and application evident at Villa was a little atypical Spurs.

A quick look at that game is instructive when thinking about the bout with Chelsea and indeed several key players.

Ledley King ( ably assisted by Woodgate ) was awesome. For someone who turns up to training proper on the day before the next game yet still displays most of his old pace ( just ask Gabriel Agbonglohar ),all his positional sense and massive skills just beggars belief.

Luka Modric despite French and Arsenic pessimism is still standing and creating. Whether tis a dummy (minute 52 and that stepover from the excellent fast pass from Gomes ) or even clever heading ( first half to BAE facing the wrong way ) his awareness and style are very Tottenham.

Darren Bent scored one that even Mrs Redknapp or our pub lawyer could have tapped home. Mind his mobility  might be a little ahead of those two. Darren however did show serious signs of attacking threat and most noticeably very hard working chasing. Probably some of Robbie's traffic directional skills and chasing are wearing off. Whether that goal menace is real or illusory is certainly pertinent to ...

Three Point Lane ... But For Who?

Yes all battles are key but five match ups do stand out. Harking back to our headline perhaps the biggest question is whether Spurs can score more than them.

Terry and Carvalho versus a Crossing Guard and Most Mentioned at the Redknapp Table.

At least Keane has recent goal scoring form against Chelsea. His last minute screamer tied it up in the famous four all draw at the Lane. However tis hard to see our attack prevailing.

Drogba and Anelka versus a Rolls Royce and Woodgate.

If the big and talented "if" starts then Chelsea have problems of their own in the up front scoring department.

Lampard versus a Goldfish Bowl Refugee.

Our pub is a little worried here. Whilst Jenas has recent scoring form he is nowhere as prolific as the Chelsea man. So thats where the team thing comes in. A denial of space within range. All and sundry being aware of closing down quickly.

A Ghanaian versus a Honduran.

The Bison is recently returned after injury and has lived up to his nickname. Whether Wilson Palacios can counter Essien will certainly mean living up to his apparent moniker. The Magician. Talking of magic that leads us to our fifth battle.

Boswinga (probably) versus a Zonda.

Recently he's been Spurs most potent and pacy attacking outlet.Sally's husband made interesting reading this week about our highly prized Aaron. Yes we all can see the skill and pace but slowly the end product is improving. Certainly the fiancial end product for Lennon has deservedly sky rocketed with the new contract announcement. Lennon scored in that memorable win over Chelsea at the Lane leaguewise. Indeed our banker thinks if he fires then Chelsea will not win. As well tis drinks on him if Spurs triumph. Where else than ...

At A Kent Pub.

Perhaps it is the reappearance of sunshine here at our pub. No more likely the enthusiasm borne out of winning and as well some attractive football.

Even more likely a sneaking optimism that the Chelsea visit to "Three Point Lane" may end in league title tears. That said whilst grown men don't cry not sure about Sally and Elizabeth.

Villa vs Spurs ... A Mexican Hat Dance Sunday.

         

                                                        Pancho   VILLA

 

 

 

 

 

             Giovani  Dos  HOTSPUR 

 

 

 

Pancho Villa’s exploits as a football manager are not widely known. His revolutionary  generalship more so. He did however come to a sudden and untimely end ( assassinated in 1923 ) which is an occupational hazard in both professions of football and revolutionary management.

The late show on Sunday sees both teams under pressure at opposite ends of the table. Martin O’Neil and company are hoping to keep fourth spot. An intelligent Irishman is our Martin.

Perhaps the Mexican bean trick (  shuffling the one bean under 3 cups) that best demonstrates his skills was the retention of Gareth Barry away from the clutches of Senor Benitez of Liverpool during the summer. Ironically seems it was Spurs sale of Robbie Keane (Twenty million pounds) to Liverpool which deprived Senor B. of further cash to complete the pursuit of Barry. A Mexican stand off thereafter meant  Barry staying to turn out against Spurs on Sunday. If only Daniel Levy could have contrived a Bulgarian bean trick.

Of course Keane has now double backed to White Hart Lane and with Villa possibly missing a Champions League spot to Arsenal then Barry may end up at Liverpool. A full Mexican circle.

Both teams are on paper near full strength. Spurs have loaned out some lesser lights this week including our young Mexican . Funnily enough Spurs have the more successful league run lately.However Villa Park has been a difficult place to go in recent times for Spurs.

This game is not quite the Alamo that it could have been. Relegation fears are receding but not yet banished. The containment of Villa’s attacking pace is needed. Something Spurs failed to do earlier this year. Agbonlahor is in a goal drought the continuation of which we’ll all drink to …

At A Kent Cantina.

Our pub like the panache associated with Villa’s style of football this year. The pace of Young and Agbonlahor plus the eternal class of Barry is to be admired.

However Mine Host is not inclined to go further and donate three points to them so as toassist them to resist Arsenal in the fight for fourth. No siree we want the three points.

Heart and hope (great name for a pub) say a win to Spurs. Realistically another away point would be a useful result.

Be lovely to be sitting by the pub fireside come Sunday night supping  a celebratory Tequila.

Fingers crossed … Ole … Greg Meyer.            Coys.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Voyaging To Hull ... Titanic Or Dunkirk.

The last time we went to Hull an executive decision meant we went straight through and touched down at Magpie Cafe but a short goalkick from Turnbull Stadium, home to the Whitby FC.

Hull probably does have attractions but the promise of the world famous fish and chips plus our Yorkshire based Master Mariners pledge to pay the considerable bill was irresistible.

Irresistible was hardly the word for Tottenham's display at another backwater on Thursday night. Try desultory, boring, lack lustre ,indeed a sad indictment on a proud European cup history. You'd hope it doesn't all turn fish and chips from hereon in. Nothing against staple English stock but we do seem a little headless chicken in the managerial department at the moment. Conversation is of course all about the Monday night's cup final ( remember when the thoughts were not of relegation avoidance but holding off Arsenal for fifth)....

At A Kent Pub.

With at least thirteen first teamers out for the Donetsk game and the likes of Modric, Keane, Palacios, Lennon, Cudicini ?, Ekotto, Corluka and Pav. returning surely a win awaits.

With our away form non existent you would hardly place the house or even a plate of fine seafood on it.

However the management fiasco that materialised at Donetsk was actually a carefully thought out strategy for Harry winning in Hull.

Our pub hope that doubts creeping in about our Relegation Troubleshooter's infallibity remain just that.

Those Magpie Chips would go down a whole lot easier if laced with three premier league points.

Travel Sickness ... Dr Blanchflowers Cure.

Our Kent pub have sighted a football and medical miracle on the horizon.

Spurs travel 1325 miles to RSK Olimpiyskiy stadium , back up on Monday with a quick jaunt of 158 miles to KC Stadium , and then a sprint of 27 miles from our pub to Wembley stadium for the Carling Cup. Given our teams away day blues this year the medical staff need a cure and quick. Before the stunning revelations about Dr Daniel's amazing elixir a quick look back at that recent North London derby which indeed provides some forensic clues to healthy outcomes emerging.

Derby Snapshots.

Our lawyer had thought that the silky .. er sulky one had the finest first touch in the premier. Probably still doing oukei ( Bulgarian for money and okay ) with his new mob. No shortage of either there lately. However there has emerged a successor to Herr Berbatov  and didn't he show it at the Lane against Arsenal.

Luka Modric served it up good, proper and heavyweight . Arsene Wenger's gallic frowns and good old english handwringing were compulsive viewing for our pub. More joyous was our Luka's consumate skill and vision.

Mostly though twas just a pleasure to see Luka and that first touch at the Lane. Of course it was followed up but a swivel, a shimmy, surefooted movement past a traffick jam and then pin point visionary delivery. Worth the admission price alone says our banker. Is there anything to their common Eastern European heritage regards the seductive first touch wonders our Ski Instructor. Coincidence perhaps. They'll both be at Wembley no doubt. Sulky and Luka.

Otherwise for most of the derby seemed to be two points lost but when we entered the "nervous nineties" ( even "nervous eighties" with Spurs ) our pub settled for the draw and bragging rights for the season . We won on away goals surely!

Lastly another if only emerged. If only he can play at that level consistently then what a midfielder. Hardly a Dave McKay just yet but Wilson Palacios had a blinder. So from the Lane to ...

The Game That Never Was ... Down Ukraine Lane.

Is anyone going? No not you. I mean Ledley, Roman, Luka, Robbie,Vedran, Jermaine the Religious,Allan of Scotland,Jamie and Harry aren't. Well the first eight have an excuse and Harry of Redknap is still working on his.

Our accountant is entirely with Harry on this one. Hull is a lot closer both to heart and home. Not to mention the bloody table position. We need the three premier points monday night. Our pub ( like You ?) reckon after the derby we keep the Premier mindset and take all three points with force and intent. Buggar UEFA. A holding pattern at Donetsk and a win at the Lane next thursday would be nice. Nice is nothing without the three points monday.

A little bit like settling for a Romanian red quaffer when good old English ale is preferred ...

At A Kent Pub.

There is a  Global Financial crisis everywhere but seemingly at our Pub. However to stay on song there is admittedly a degree of unease but not gloom hereabouts. Yes tis all about numbers , not the tables circulating certain exchanges but the one down at FA Headquarters, Soho Square.

Hard to enjoy the Cup add ons as much as we should when extinction however tempory looms. A little melodramatic says Mine Host. Publicans are paid to be optimistic apparently.

Our cliche ridden Journalist chimes in with another. One day, one game at a time. Yep agree with that entirely.

Back to that travel sickness cure. Just like our journalist Dr. Dan prescribes a simple Irish medication to beat travel fatigue. Adrenalin charged up by a win. Simply scoring more goals than the other side works wonders. Bleedin' obvious in the theory, not always as easy in the real world.

Cheers ... settle for draw, win, win ... and a famous cup win ... busy 10 days ahead ... Greg Meyer.

Latest News

With the news that Spurs are still making money hand over fist regardless of performances and that Kaka turned down £500k a week to live in Manchester despite the chance to have the name Pope Kaka the First on the back of his shirt, here are some of the other Spurs  top news headlines you may have missed over the last few days;

1. Footballers wages are morally wrong

.... says everybody else.

A general straw poll of a bus queue ouside Chick King concluded that footballers wages should be banned and so says everyone signed the Board.

Especially Angry tax paying share holders said that if they got paid a six figure sum each week they would give it all back...oh yes they would.

Chairman Dan of N17 was overheard to say that he would not be able to sleep at night if he was given all the money he was contractually entitled to receive and the guilt would lead him to act irrationally, sacking people on a whim and just making things up as he went along

His best mate Big Paulie agreed that if he had one of these football contracts he would "just have to give it all to Children in Need.Well most of it. Hang on that is too much? Ok probably about half. How much is 5 percent? Actually forget it. Most of that charity money just ends abroad rather than helping the people that actually need it in this country, I can't stand that Bob Geldof anyway and it only encourages him to sing"

2. Arry admits to the 'impossible job'

Arry ' only 2 points when I arrived in a stable just outside

bethlehem

' Redknapp has admitted that saving Spurs from relegation may beyond even his special powers. With the club only 2 points above the drop zone and the players and their agents portfolios suffering with the crash of sterling, Arry admitted " It is difficult being the manager of Spurs. There's a lot of pressure from the fans who look back on the days of Wendy Random and Gerry the Badger with such triffic pride and expectation. How can you be expected to live up to standards like that? "

"Anyway it's not my fault. This club was in a mess when i arrived. The jokers who ran this club before the Daily Star heralded my arrival had even signed a man with no knees to play centre half - even my wife couldn't work miracles with that."

3. Fooballer forced to work 20 hours a week

Friends of dropped footballer T. Hundredstone blamed his loss of confidence and form on being forced to work a punishing 20 hours a week.

Tom was known to start work as early as 10 in the morning and still be at work at three in the afternoon, with just a hour for lunch although with as much ketchup as you can eat. A colleague simply known as JD said "One day I came back to the club at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid hat, and there was TH fast asleep in the penalty area. At first I thought he was having a snooze after lunch, but then I remembered he had been at work all morning."

When asked to comment Sepp Blatter was outraged. " This inhumane practice must stop immediately. The slave trade was outlawed by my good friend William Wilberforce"

4. We can win Countdown and European Mastechef says Arry

Arry last night unbelievably claimed that relegation haunted Spurs could win 2 trophies this season. The chirpy cockernee insisted his potato mash of a squad was strong enough to conquer

Europe

and win the masterchef title for the fourth time in its illustrious history.

"Unable Trabant may not be able to pass to a white shirt even with the ball tied to his foot, but he makes a mean lamb tegine" boasted Arry."It will make all other food seem bland and disgusting by comparison. And he's the best French cook since Zidane"

Arry added " I would love for Robbie Keane to have a go for the UK Countdown title this year. There's nothing he doesn't know about sitting down in the afternoon like a pensioner, forced to watch on, working out conundrums"

5. Millionaire Footballers remain working class

Despite being given all the money that's left in the world after the banks haven't stolen it, premier league footballers remain horribly working class says style guru Sir Henry Pfaff-Pfaff-Jones- Pfaff the Second ..

Sir Henry thundered "the majority of them remain inarticulate unintelligible oafs, that make Frank Gallagher seem like an ideal role model. When not crashing their cars in one -way tunnels, buying bling bling bling and advertising sugar drinks to rot your teeth, they sit around all day fnding new uses for mobile phones. hitting students and fighting over Phil Collins CDs" .

He drooled "Even young legends at upstanding Spurs are unable to resist the lure of suburban nightclubs like Faces, frequented by failed DJ's, orange coloured plastic enhanced fitness and lifestyle instructors and moderately successful postmen and plasterers. And yes whilst the next

England

superstar will have a wine collection to die for, so will their inarticulate friends when they are hit over the head with the bottle"

North London Derby Fashion Parade.

Dress designer to feature in the derby. Indeed a veritable fashion parade of new and old signings await on Sunday at Boutique Lane.

Bucking The Trend ... Arsenal Unbeaten In Eighteen.

Yes it was 19 league matches ago that Spurs won.Not the sort of derby day haute couture fare envied by our pub. Has the shopping embarked upon by Manger Redknapp in the recent transfer window provided realistic hope of smashing that mould ?

Team news suggests the line-up to be paraded on Sunday represents effective rather than spectacular footballer purchases are on the menu. Proven performers Keane and Chimbonda are no strangers to the Lane catwalk. Pity the other half of the prodigal striker twins fell off the runway hurting his foot. Our lawyer thinks it delays the connundrum as to whether Keane and Defoe are a fashion clash. Mix( or as 'Arry says mish ) and match yet to be retested. Not always fashionable in previous outings.

Looks like the dutch as opposed to italian custodian will appear in the spotlight again. The dutch not always as high profile in the fashion stakes as your everyday italian. Heurelho Gomes does veer towards the spectacular more so than Cudicini. Unfortunately early on it was spectacular blunders  mixed with speccy saves. Either way the keeping department more than matches the Emirates outfit.

Elsewhere the struttings of Van Persie are both arrogant but as well dangerous.  The very hard to buy for Emmanuel Adeybayor,he is 6 feet 3 inches,is another who finds it fashionable to score against Spurs come derby day. His speed is certainly a challenge for the less flashy Woodgate-Dawson brand.

The absence of Bently after a display of poor dress sense at Bolton means both Zokorra and Wilson Palatial are likely to hit the runway together. With no Fabregasp the Gunners don't seem as creative midfieldwise.

Speaking of creativity perhaps thats where the dress designer fits in. The Star reported new Arsenal fashionista Andrei Arshavin has another life as a designer of frilly frocks. Likely to make for interesting dressing ( that word again) room banter over at Salon Emirates. Mind in an almost exclusive french-speaking squad the russian may not understand any frilly double entendres.

Still on the fashion front, our returning up-front Keano is another proven Window purchase. Seems an important factor in his return from the fashion wastelands of Liverpool was input from model wife, Claudine Palmer. Keano's turnout with Pavlova seems a sensible pairing.

Always a special day on the calendar and particularly so given the cup final nature of each Spurs fixture at the moment. Indeed still nervous times ...

At A Snowy Kent Pub.

Mine Host is hoping our Croatian fashion plate Luka serves up a dish of cold pie and revenge sauce for Monsieur Wenger's post match meal. A perfect opportunity for Modric to stand up and remain upright throughout thereby causing gallic consternation. The well known handringing.

Our banker well recalls a recent film whose plot line covered the goings on of an allegedly arrogant and vanity ridden boss of a fashion magazine. We certainly have too much respect for a certain Arsenal manager to make any such comparison. Still it is derby day in North London and time to initiate a new trend surely.

Oh , the name of the film. The Devil Wears Prada of course!!
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Stand and Deliver

The latest transfer window has provided on opportunity for Harry ‘they only had 2 points’ Redknapp to spout off in the press about the shambles of the mish-mash of the squad and the unhinged transfer policy he inherited, which has resulted in his recruiting the list of old boys in Defoe, Keane and Chimbonda. At Spurs I had become used to groundhog seasons where we beat and lose to the same teams year after year. Now it seems I have to get used to groundhog signings.

It’s quite entertaining to witness Harry trashing the previous regime. We all know that according to the official press statements from the club Comolli was charged with the responsibility of player recruitment. On further revelation however, Damien says that it was not a sole responsibility, but rather player recruitment was something agreed in committee with the Chairman and the Manager. It is not clear who had the final say so in the committee when there was a disagreement of opinion. I assume that the last word went with the man who signs the cheques. It is telling that neither Jol in his time at the club, nor Ramos were given an opportunity to sign players that they had previously worked with prior to taking up their role at Spurs. At no point have Spurs recruited any rising Dutch or Spanish superstars, despite the inside knowledge that Jol and Ramos would have brought. It is said that in times of crisis at a football club, a manager will look to bring in the players that he knows, trusts and can count on. It is for that reason Mark Hughes wanted Bellamy at Man Citeh. If you believe that is true, then clearly the previous managers have had little influence on team building given the lack of recruits from their home countries.

It is good that Harry has been given the keys to the kingdom and told that he has the freedom to sign the players he wants. It is also good that the Chairman is big enough to admit to previous errors of judgment and re-sign players that should never have been let go in the first place.

Defoe was sold because he was approaching last 18 months of his contract and £9m appeared good value at the time. The wisdom of hindsight will show little money really changed hands, and Spurs did not have any replacements as good as Defoe lined up to replace him, especially not at that price. With made (as was said at the time) the sale nonsensical.

Chimbonda was sold because he had the audacity to say that he wanted to play for a club (like Chelsea) who would pay him more money. He was also sold on for his supposed poor attitude, best exemplified when substituted in last years cup final. Personally I can’t see there is much wrong with maximising your earning potential and applauded his honesty. If there is a problem with his attitude, I wonder why Spurs have signed him back now? It’s not as if we don’t have 35 other fullbacks already at the club.

Robbie Keane is welcome back to Spurs despite his mid-life crisis fling with his boyhood love, and being rejected by the other woman. He now has a point to prove, which can only be good for Spurs. When you realise that the transfer window for these three old boys was just an accounting exercise and no money really changed hands, it represents sensible business, and one that has improved the quality of the squad.

The question however is now that Harry is rebuilding Jol’s team, what can we expect from him? And what pressure will be placed on him? Is it time for the Board to demand that having backed Harry’s judgment, he now stands by what he says and actually delivers in much the same way they demanded of Jol?

Jol, like Harry had a good relationship with the press. He was liked by the members of the fourth estate, and as a result, we were treated to exclusives in support of BMJ such as the fact that the Board (unnamed) were interfering in his team selection and tactics, most famously at the FA Cup match at Stamford Bridge.

The press were happy to report the news on the strike of Berbatov at the start of the 2007/08 season, notably away to the Geordies when he refused to come on as a sub, and the fact that Jol was castigated by the board for wanting to sell him at the time. This is despite the action replay in 2008/09 when Berbatov again went on strike, this time under Ramos, and the blame was then placed squarely on the player. Following the sale of the gifted sulky one, it was alleged that the Board had promised Berbatov back in 2007 that he would be sold to Man Utd in the summer of 2008, and that he subsequently withdrew his labour when the Board tried to renege on that agreement.

Harry gets the opportunity to talk up and sign the players he wants. It seems that Jol was never given the opportunity to sign the players he really wanted. I remember that he talked up Dirk Kuyt and Berbatov before both came to England, and we ended up with the Bulgarian. I remember him talking up Carrick, and putting him in the team as soon as he had the opportunity when taking over from Santini. I remember him stating Spurs needed to sign a left midfielder to balance the team. It’s funny that I don’t really remember him talking up Zokora, Darren Bent or Kaboul before they were delivered to him. The club having delivered these missing jigsaw pieces prompted Sir Keith Mills to publicly tell him that he now had all the tools to mount a challenge for the Champions League and there could be no excuses.

Under Harry we have struggled to find a coherent team pattern or strategy. Having watched Spurs this season I am struggling to identify our preferred style of play, or even our first choice starting line up. It seems to involve passing it sideways until it gets to Lennon, or giving it to Bentley to kick it out for a goal kick. Going into the North London Derby this weekend I don’t know whether to hide behind my fingers or hold onto my usual ‘Spurs are the best…whatever’ over-confidence. I suspect this weekend will all end in tears, however having said that, I have a sneaking suspicion we could witness a 30 yard screaming winner from Zokora. Miracles do happen!

Under Jol we used to moan and criticise him for being too negative and for pulling in the wagons and going on the defensive when Spurs went 1-0 up. However he was the manager during the run in at the end of the 2006/07 season when Spurs won 9 of their last 12 league games and played some scintillating football along the way. This was just before it was all de-railed by Kemsley’s trip to Spain. Maybe given the chance Harry can coax a similar level of performance out of largely the same group of players.

I used to think that BMJ was tactically inflexible and that he was incapable of taking the initiative during matches, so that Spurs were largely incapable of beating the Sky 4 teams. This view however ignores the fact that Spurs did beat Chelsea under him, had the Mendes winner at Old Trafford chalked off by a now banned referee, and were unlucky not to win an Anfield when Edman scored his wonder-goal. Since BMJ has gone we have beaten Liverpool under Harry but were lucky to do so. We have still not beaten any of the other Sky 4 in the league, home or away. No change there then. Ramos did engineer the 5-1 against the goons but in the semi-final the season before Spurs were 2-0 up and in control when Berbatov went off injured at 20 minutes, and Jol replaced him with Keane. That is the same Robbie Keane whose performance with Defoe in that game (yet again) demonstrated they could not play in tandem, but still Harry has seen fit to re-unite them as a partnership. But what do I know, I am just a fan.

The more I watch the current Spurs manager struggle with a squad of players that are no different in quality man for man, from the team that BMJ twice to 5^th place in the league, the more I come to the conclusion that BMJ must be a miracle worker. He managed to coax a level of performance and achievement from a group of players that no one else has managed to attain since the days of Omar and Keith Burkinshaw. The received wisdom is that Jol was hard done by, the Board should have treated his departure better, but he had taken Spurs as far as he could and he had to go. I used to go along with that theory but now I am not too sure. Maybe Jol simply realised the limitations of the team better than we did, and designed the tactics accordingly. The last 15 months had shown that maybe Spurs were above where they should have been because of BMJ and they have sunk back to a more realistic level under lesser managers.

It’s noticeable that there have been no Champions League demands from Sir Keith Mills or other Board members in the last 15 months, despite the unprecedented flow of transfers in and out of the club. There have been no demands either of finishing in the top 4  to ‘ justify the investment’ which was always quoted as the reason for the change from Jol. It would seem that maybe the Board have learnt from their previous errors of judgment and will give Harry the time to show whether he can stand and deliver. It does seem that the pressure at being at a ‘big club’ for once is getting to Harry with the press outbursts criticising the players. With the benefit of hindsight it’s just a shame that the freedom given to Harry was never provided to his predecessors, who may have been able to do a better job.