LUXURY GETS LOST IN TRANSLATION

Not because I smell - well, no more than usual - but because there, above the taps, was a 20in TV screen and I’ve never had a tele in my bathroom before.

Well, I'm just a working-class lad from Nuneaton.

And there was a 50” plasma on the wall across from a bed big enough for four.

But as I sat in the lower level lounge area of my suite, looking out over the delights(?) of the Pearl River, I realised luxury isn’t everything.

I was on the phone to room service trying to order some breakfast.

Rude

”Corn Flakes.” ”Wah?” came the reply. ”C-O-R-N F-L-A-K-E-S...CORN FLAY KAS, ...no, no not corn Bread - corn flakes.”

Three further phone calls - one to the manager herself - and the same routine everytime.

They barely understood a word of English but we got there in the end - after about an hour.

And yes - you’ve guessed - there wa a final phone call to say “Velly solly but breakfast is finish.”

That’s not being rude or racist - that’s exactly how she said it.

The next night the sea bass, wrapped in Parma ham on a bed of squid ink linguine, was another aberration of the kitchens.

This was easy to order because it was in written English on the menu with a Chinese translation underneath.

But something got lost in translation because three times it turned up without the sea bass wrapped in parma ham, which to me would seem to be a pretty essential part of the dish.

Mind you, I wish I was still there.

Because now I’ve upped sticks and moved on to the huge Venetian hotel in Macau - a mock-up of Venice complete with St Mark’s Square, the Doge’s Palace and even gondolas along a network of canals. OTT or what.

But it’s not to pay homage to Italian architecture that they flock here in their thouands and thousands.

It’s to gamble away through the night in the world’s largest casino where the drinks are free and a gang of girls walk the floor asking: “You want massage, make love, have sex?”

I preferred it when I couldn’t tell what they were saying!