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GOOD old Penelope Cruz. Doesn’t matter how highbrow the movie, Pen will somehow find a way to squeeze a nude scene in.
And in that respect, Elegy does not disappoint. In that respect, anyway.
Ben Kingsley stars as David Kepesh: Intellectual, broadcaster and all-round scarf-wearing berk who can’t even go to the loo without referencing Tolstoy.
DEFINITION of a mummy in the movies: The soulless reanimated corpse of a long-dead dynasty that will suck the life out of millions of people in a horribly protracted and agonising way.
Definition of The Mummy: Tomb Of The Dragon Emperor? The above, but with a decent car chase.
The original Mummy film was a daft, very enjoyable, kind of own-brand Indiana Jones blockbuster. And the sequel, The Mummy Returns, was not quite as good, but still fun in its own way.
AH well. Makes a change, I suppose.
Over the past few weeks these pages have been home to some of the best summer movies for many a year. The Dark Knight. Kung Fu Panda. WALL-E. And yes, Mamma Mia!
Whereas this week, we have...The X Files: I Want To Believe. Henceforth, The X Files: I Want To Believe That If They're Bringing Back A Popular TV Series For A One-Off Film, It's Going To Be A Darn Sight Better Than This.
IF you watch only one film a year . . . I’m surprised you’re reading this page, to be honest.
But however many films you do watch, you should be booking tickets for The Dark Knight pretty much NOW.
The 561st comic book film of the summer, it may be. And the chances of any sequel improving on Batman Begins seemed pretty slim.
But here’s the good news.
A TIP if you need to cover up the suspicious death of your mistress—never rush a policeman out the door while wittering, “Well, I do hope I’ve been of some help, Inspector.”
It happens in Before The Rains, a period drama about Moores (Linus Roache), an English spice trader in the days of the Raj, whose affair with his Indian housekeeper Sajani (Nandita Das) goes horribly wrong.
Only surprise is, it takes most of the film for the bumbling upper-class chump to get caught. Because “suspicious behaviour” doesn’t even start to cover it.
BABY Mama is an expression from Jamaica that’s short for “mother of baby”.
OK. Does that make this film “Pants Pile?”
It’s about a businesswoman (Tina Fey) and chavvy surrogate mum (Amy Poehler)—and drops the ball more often than a one-armed juggler.
Tina wrote the fantastic Mean Girls and recreates all that magic here . . . with the exception of characters, plot, jokes and everything else.
KIDS’ films, eh? Always packing in a moral.
“Be nice to others.” “Always follow your dream.”
Or, in the case of WALL-E: “Our planet will end up a barren wasteland and it’s all your fault, you grasping, selfish, bone-idle little berks.”
Yes. Despite the cutesy posters and U certificate, this latest offering from Pixar ain’t quite sugar and spice.
PUFFBALL, a mystery penned by novelist Fay Weldon and turned into a film by her son Dan, has already been labelled “so bad it’s good”.
A cruel rumour I’d like to sink here and now. To nick a line from Ghost World—this is so bad it’s gone past good and back to bad again.
Packed with hideous missteps that should have been obvious to a dog, let alone veteran director Nicolas Roeg, Puffball is one of the most comfortably cack horror films ever.
A LITTLE help, please, with Meet Dave’s poster campaign, which is basically a massive photo of Eddie Murphy’s face.
Isn’t that like selling a trip to Zimbabwe’s Victoria Falls with the tagline: “From the place that brought you Robert Mugabe”?
Because lest we forget (and I know I flipping won’t, despite the hypnotherapy), this is the man behind Haunted Mansion, Daddy Day Care and Norbit.
EVER get back from a trip abroad, look through your photos and wonder, “Oh no, what on earth did I take that one for?”
Not half as much as those dimwit US soldiers at Abu Ghraib prison did, I’ll bet.
This sobering documentary examines the atrocities carried out at the infamous Iraq jail, plus the hunt to unearth the culprits, in chilling and sometimes stomach- churning detail.
TAKE the gayest thing you've ever seen. Double it.
Multiply by Graham Norton. Add five John Barrowmans. Now take away the number you first thought of and times the result by ten.
And STILL, ladies and gentlemen, we’re a good few million miles away from the frankly terrifying glitter-strewn campfest that is this week’s biggest new movie.
GAH. Looks like Hollywood now can’t be as*ed—sorry, ar*ed—sorting out American spellings for UK film releases.
Case in point: Journey to the CENTER Of The Earth 3D. A teeth-gnashing error on the sides of buses up and down the country, for which someone deserves to be smacked with an aluminium bat (that’s A-L-U-M-I-N-I-U-M).
JUST what we all wanted to fill these balmy summer days.
A tedious biopic about some mad old bat who married into the Bakelite plastic dynasty.
Who are Bakelite by trade, and Bakelite by nature too, if this film’s anything to go by—cos the characters are about as full of life as a plastic telephone.
