Wanted

By Robbie Collin

THERE'S this secret group of assassins—who can bend bullets, run dead fast and drive like absolute maniacs, right?

And two of them, played by James McAvoy and Angelina Jolie, rampage all over the shop, shooting baddies from sports cars and train roofs, right?

And Angelina gets her bum out, so this must be the most amazing film of the summer, right?

WRONG, my friends. Because these assassins decide who they are going to kill by consulting...a MAGIC SEWING MACHINE.

Chief assassin Morgan Freeman scans the cloth produced by a contraption called The Loom Of Fate. Dropped stitches are converted into people's names, using a code. Then the other assassins go off and murder whoever's name comes up.

Every job they go on, no matter how spectacular the effects are, how crazy the fighting gets, or how good McAvoy and Jolie are, you can't help thinking—they're doing this on the orders of a FLIPPING MAGIC SEWING MACHINE.

The rubbish story completely wrecks it.

This is two hours of frantic turd-polishing that doesn't remotely come off.