Kung Fu Panda

By Robbie Collin

KUNG Fu Panda is as fast as lightning. It’s a little bit frightening.

And, handily for the most laboured film review gag of all time, it’s been made with expert timing.

On the downside it doesn’t have any characters called Funky Billy Chin and Little Sammy Chung, so I’m going to have to stop this nonsense now.

But that is the only way in which this absolute barnstormer of a family film could be said to fall short. Because Kung Fu Panda is the first genuine must-see big summer movie of the year.

Jack Black is a friendless no-hoper with two black eyes, who’s been reduced to serving fast food for a living. A just fate, some might say, after Nacho Libre.

Noodles

He’s Po the panda, a dimwitted geek who’s bored of helping in his father’s noodle shop and dreams of becoming a kung fu master.

Po idolises the legendary Furious Five, a team of kung fu fighters who train under the mysterious red panda Shifu (Dustin Hoffman). They are Tigress (Angelina Jolie), Monkey (Jackie Chan), Viper (Lucy Liu), Mantis (Knocked Up’s Seth Rogen) and Crane (Alvin and the Chipmunks’ David Cross).

And one of them is about to be named the legendary Dragon Warrior—the hero who will face off against evil snow leopard Tai Lung (Ian McShane) to protect the Valley of Peace.

On the pretext of flogging a few bowls of noodles, Po heads to the ceremony where ageing tortoise Master Oogway is about to crown the Dragon Warrior.

And to the crowd’s utter shock and dismay—dunno why, cos I saw it coming a mile off—he chooses Po.

What follows is basically Crouching Slacker, Wibbling Dragon, as fat Po embarks on the long, hard path to becoming a kung fu master. And it’s a hilarious, inspiring, visually incredible, and at times eye-wateringly beautiful tale, which ranks up there with the very best CGI animations of all time—Ratatouille, Toy Story, the early Shreks.

There are stand-out scenes that will (and, at the screening I was at, did) have kids leaping 10ft in the air with excitement.

Tai Lung’s jailbreak, where he thwarts his rhinoceros guards, has all the pace, drama and phenomenal set-pieces of an all-time great blockbuster action sequence.

The rope bridge rumble between Tai Lung and the Furious Five is the equal of anything in The Matrix.

And the chop socky showdown between Po and Shifu over a steamed dumpling has to be seen to be believed.

Because the real stars of Kung Fu Panda (and no offence to the voice cast, who do a great job) are the art bods. When they’re not choreographing some of the most spectacular kung fu rucks ever performed by man or beast, they are casually tossing out some of the most stunning CGI scenery yet screened.

Kids have heard the “believe in yourself and you can do anything, even if you’re a blundering fatso” moral a million times before.

This is how good Kung Fu Panda is—it delivers that same old moral and yet somehow you’re cheering on Po and thinking, “Yeah, I could be a kung fu master too,” rather than retching into your popcorn.

All this, and a Gnarls Barkley cover version of Kung Fu Fighting over the end credits.

Absolute class.