Speed Racer

By Robbie Collin

SOME films you watch. Some films you savour.

Others you cower in the corner from, eyes wide and lips a-bibbling, as they're blasted down your optic nerve with the full force of a riot hose.

No prizes for guessing that Speed Racer falls squarely into the third category.

Detonating in your local cinema this week with all the subtlety of the Nagasaki Fat Man A-bomb, it's a kiddie-centric blockbuster from the makers of The Matrix.

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And man oh man, if you're pregnant, on heart medicine or suffer from a nervous disposition, please think twice before seeing this thing.

Because while kids will adore the ultrafast Technicolor onslaught, parents will be left weeping blood and groping for the Optrex.

Speed Racer is a remake of a Japanese Wacky Races-style cartoon, which apparently found cult success in the US about 40 years ago.

In other words, nobody over here has ever heard of it.

And from the few clips I can track down on the net, it looks like we've missed out on... absolutely ruddy nothing.

This update, directed by the Wachowski Brothers and produced by Joel Silver (Lethal Weapon, Die Hard and Predator) borrows the same basic plot from the original series—not to mention the frankly moronic character names.

Speed Racer (Emile Hirsch) is a fresh-faced racing driver who wants to follow his late brother Rex and win The Crucible—the world's most prestigious racing tournament.

Mom Racer (Susan Sarandon) is his mum, and Pops Racer (John Goodman) is his adoring dad, who builds Speed's cars with the help of a sparky called Sparky (Kick Gurry).

Speed is offered a cushy sponsorship deal by oily tycoon Royalton (Roger Allam), but turns it down after learning he's part of a ring of crooks who fix races for maximum profit.

He vows to fight the corrupt mogul along with the mysterious Racer X (Lost's Matthew Fox) and perky love interest Trixie (Christina Ricci)—and to show them that first place can be won with skill alone.

A basic framework, then, on which to hang some snazzy car racing action. And this is what Speed Racer does awfully well.

The Matrix trilogy, for its faults, had special effects sequences that weren't just special—they were truly memorable. Neo dodging bullets and fighting 100 Agent Smiths still impress now because of the strength of the ideas.

And the best parts of Speed Racer zing with the same wild creativity.

Notable is a scene where a young Speed drives through a fantasy world that looks like a five-year-old's drawing.

Also, a great time-switching intro to the film sees Speed flick between his current race and memories of watching his brother Rex roaring round the same track ten years earlier.

It's a smart device that tells you all you need to know about the backstory while keeping the action tearing along at light speed.

The final race, too, is a brilliantly choreographed action sequence that, at times, moves too quickly to actually understand—unless you're ten years old and amped to the tonsils on rip-off cinema cola and Minstrels.

Problems? Some entirely expected. A couple of others, more surprising.

It won't surprise anyone to hear that the characters are shallow, the script is Crossroads awful, and the theme tune bores its way through your skull like a rotary hammer drill.

But at over two hours, it's also extremely long for a sprog film.

Judged alongside other blockbusters aimed at a wider audience such as last week's Iron Man, Speed Racer falls dismally short.

As a piece of all-style, no-substance children's entertainment, though? It's hard to imagine a more intense, thrilling experience.

So take a chance on it. Take the kids. And most importantly, take a packet of aspirin