Indiana Jones: Crystal Skull first review

By Robbie Collin

FOUR days from release and the new Indiana Jones movie has still not been seen by a single proper film critic. Or me.

There have been a few preview screenings, sure.

But only to very small test audiences in the US, who had to sign various legal papers waiving the right to their own legs if they let out a squeak about what it's like.

I've spoken to a few moles who were at those screenings and they've given me an in-depth rundown of the whole shebang.

Naturally I will NOT reveal their identities before my dying day (or until Paramount bung me a Blu-ray player).

But anyone fearing that the new Indy film will be a Phantom Menace-style disaster can breathe a heavy sigh of relief now. Because it sounds flippin' amazing.

Mercifully, Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull is a worthy companion to Temple Of Doom and Last Crusade.

OK, it doesn't measure up to Raiders Of The Lost Ark, but it's been variously described as "the second-best" and "third-best" Indy film. Both of which are more than good enough for me.

The story kicks off in a desert in the US south-west in 1957 at the height of the Cold War. Henry Jones Jr (Harrison Ford) and sidekick Mac (Ray Winstone) are hunting for an artefact in the warehouse full of crates from the end of Raiders.

No, it's not the Ark of the Covenant— although, if you thought they'd pass up the chance to get it back on screen for a quick cameo, you thought wrong, my friend.

Turns out the warehouse is actually in Area 51—one of the most secretive military bases in the world—and Indy and Mac aren't the only people interested in having a rummage around the aisles.

A crack squad of Soviet agents turn up, led by evil Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett), hunting for the Crystal Skull of Akator—an ancient object Spalko reckons could be used as a weapon to swing the Cold War in the Soviets' favour.

With her pageboy haircut and Bond-villain accent, Cate's an odd screen presence at first.

But she's a nicely conceived, unusual villain, and the most memorable Indy baddie after Toht and Belloq from Raiders.

Indy then .......................... Indy now

She rumbles Indy and Mac. And so a chase ensues, with a kidnap and escape sequence so wildly over the top that it ends with a nuclear explosion... which Indy survives in a pretty "cool" way (bit of a cryptic clue there).

There have been snippets of this in the trailers, and it more than lives up to their promise. The nuclear explosion might be slightly far-fetched but let's remember this is not a film series that's particularly big on realism.

Previous instalments had ghosts melting people's faces, and the world's most irritating kid (Short Round from Temple Of Doom) going a full two hours without being karate-chopped in the throat.

So, Indy's captors vaporised, he returns to Marshall College where he's promptly sacked for his antics. On the way out of town he meets Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf)—a young lad who claims to know where the crystal skull is.

They go back to Indy's house to talk. And if the film's got a weak point, this is it.

When writer George Lucas starts banging on about something (anyone remember those feckin' midi-chlorians from Star Wars Ep1?), 15 minutes later you stop caring. That's what happens here.

Note to George: Nobody cares that much about yer crystal skull, mate. As long as Indy evades mortal peril in an entertaining fashion, we'll be good.

The scene is rescued by the sterling work of the comedy sidekick, LaBeouf. And sadly, a perfectly good LaBeouf / LeHam gag has had to be shelved because the wee guy does a cracking job.

The chemistry between Mutt and Indy crackles nicely, and their relationship is as spiky and entertaining as the one between Indy and his dad Henry (Sean Connery) in Last Crusade (another cryptic clue there, maybe?).

It's very possible that Shia will be monstered by crazed Indy fanboys, regardless, for daring to mess with the legend. But normal, sane people will rate him.

The quest moves to Peru, via the obligatory "red line on old map" sequence, and Indy and Mutt meet up with Indy's old flame Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen from Raiders), who helps them track down the temple where the skull is being held.

There are superbly designed booby traps to be survived, of course, but that's chump change compared to what follows. Those pesky Soviets show up for a jungle chase in Jeeps and trucks, which is up there with Raiders' classic desert pursuit.

The latest TV ads for the film have focused on this sequence, and it looks immaculate. And I'm told the full thing works even better than the clips suggest.

There are shootouts, punch-ups, sword fights, rocket launchers, crashes and smashes—all caught in nice, long, old-fashioned takes and a masterful aerial shot tracking the carnage.

Indy, at 65, takes a pretty far-fetched punishment for a pensioner. But, like I said, if you're a realism pedant, films about a heroic archaeologist battling magical forces probably ain't for you anyway.

Then there's the grand finale, which I'm not going to tell you about, except it involves two big events, one happy, one sad.

And there's a cameo from Indy's past in the last reel. But no, it's not who you think.

In short then: Crystal Skull is a superb, old-fashioned, good-fun action movie. That is etched on all the stars' faces— particularly Winstone's, who looks like a ten-year-old running amok at Disneyland.

Go in with the right expectations, and it'll be etched on yours too.

It's a very different beast from cutting-edge blockbusters such as Iron Man. It's not revolutionary in any way and it already feels dated. But that's kind of the point, isn't it?

I'm seeing it on Tuesday, so check BACK HERE midweek for my personal verdict.

In the meantime? I'm prepared to stake my non-existent reputation on it being a bit of a belter.