Shout out for the real celeb chefs!

WAY too much information at CELEBRITY MASTERCHEF as Gregg Wallace announced: “A pudding is as close as you can get to a cuddle in a dish.”

Whoa! Remind me never to leave that man alone with an apple pie. Yes, it’s back folks. The best cooking contest on telly.

Battling bravely against the BBC numbnuts who decided to start it before Wimbledon had finished buggering up the schedules.

And coping manfully with an even heavier blow. Namely, their celebrity booker was clearly having an off day. Or a laugh.

Because, trust me, the biggest challenge facing any of these contestants as they bid to prove they are worthy of the title Celebrity Masterchef 2008 is first proving they are worthy of the title celebrity.

WAY too much information at CELEBRITY MASTERCHEF as Gregg Wallace announced: “A pudding is as close as you can get to a cuddle in a dish.”

Whoa! Remind me never to leave that man alone with an apple pie.

Yes, it’s back folks. The best cooking contest on telly.

Battling bravely against the BBC numbnuts who decided to start it before Wimbledon had finished buggering up the schedules.

And coping manfully with an even heavier blow. Namely, their celebrity booker was clearly having an off day. Or a laugh.

Because, trust me, the biggest challenge facing any of these contestants as they bid to prove they are worthy of the title Celebrity Masterchef 2008 is first proving they are worthy of the title celebrity.

A truth borne out by the hilariously over-the-top intros delivered by the most sarcastic voiceover lady in television.

Who not only informed that Claire Richards was in “supergroup” Steps but also asked us to believe Ninia Benjamin is a “popular stand-up comic” and that Vicki Michelle is “a legendary film and TV actress.”

Oh, so not the Vicki Michelle who played that bird who Rene used to goose in ’Allo, ’Allo! then?

Luckily, the show does have two genuine stars. The hosts. Shouty Mr Restaurant Man 1, John Torode, and Shouty Mr Restaurant Man 2, Gregg “COMPLETELY. AND. UTTERLY” Wallace. The finest double act seen in a kitchen since Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger in 9½ Weeks (Gregg knows what I’m talking about.)

Torode’s still the main man. And, thankfully, he’s smartened himself up after someone accused him of always looking like “an alcoholic who’s had a bucket of cold water thrown over his head” (yeah, sorry about that John).

But his shiny-domed, porn-loving co-star is now revelling in this TV lark. Prowling round the kitchen, staring at Vicki Michelle’s bum while she mashes her spuds. And barking out lines you just know he’s been practising in his dressing-room mirror. “YOU’VE GOT 20 MINUTES LEFT! I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE BATTLE TO UNFOLD.” And, my favourite so far, “TIME’S UP! STEP AWAY FROM THE PIES!”

But the best thing about Gregg is that despite looking more Michelin man than Michelin star, and despite resembling a smartly-dressed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (hero in a sports casual jacket) he appears to have turned into something of a sex symbol.

A feat almost as impressive as his sudden elevation from fruit and veg trader to “food writer and ingredients expert.” Unless, of course that’s just a posh way of saying he writes out the price labels on his apples himself.

But he’s a star anyway. And his and John’s ongoing battle to see who can put the most food in their mouths using one spoon is one of this show’s many highlights.

The others? Claire Richards’ new figure suggesting that Steps’ debut hit “5,6,7,8 . . . ” actually referred to the number of pies she could down at one sitting.

And “renowned TV actor” Sean Wilson announcing: “I’d love to be a cook but I’d rather be an actor” (I’d hang on to that frying pan, son).

But best moment so far is a shoo-in. Gregg challenging Andi Peters to “make a bald man very happy” with his “banana muffin”.

Gregg, mate. Careful what you wish for.

INTRIGUE before the final KATIE & PETER as ITV2’s announcer revealed it contained “conversations of an adult nature.”

First time for everything, I suppose.

Sadly, in keeping with much of this series it was a fairly mundane finale as Katie went off to a posh hotel for the weekend to celebrate her 30th birthday.

And there was bad news for Pete after a play fight with one of Katie’s girlie pals left him complaining he’d been left with “a fat lip”.

Still, nothing like completing the look, eh Pete?

A FITTING epitaph for Keef Miller at EASTIES as his departure from Walford was overshadowed somewhat by quiz night at The Vic.

Toughest question of the night? “Which human body part can expand to 10 times its original size?”

Answer? Dunno.

But anyone with “Fern Britton’s stomach” can wave that prize money goodbye.

BACK at GOK’S FASHION FIX Joan Collins revealed she has 25 closets dotted around the world. Aye. And a skeleton in every one of em.

TOO OLD TO DARE

MORE torture at WHO DARES SINGS as ITV asked us to watch another 100 punters play a Nintendo karaoke game for an hour.

But at least that age-old fashion mystery, “How old is too old for a miniskirt?” can now be answered courtesy of another more straightforward query. How old is Denise Van Outen (left)?And while we’re discussing style issues, I’m more than willing to hear theories on Ben Shephard’s “sulky seven-year-old boy going to a christening dressed as Chas’n’Dave” look.

And I’ve one request for SAM, the computer in charge of the show’s music. Don’t play it again, SAM. Any of it.

APPARENTLY big Robbie Coltrane and even bigger Piers Morgan almost came to blows in posh London restaurant The Ivy the other week.

Boys, boys, boys.

I’m sure if you’d asked nicely chef would’ve happily made another dessert.

BACK TO REALITY

MILD amusement at Sky One’s TOP 50 SHOWBIZ COMEBACKS. Not least the fact that it should have been renamed Top 50 Showbiz Comb-backs in honour of Tracy Ann Oberblown’s fabulous hair.

Other highlights? Neil ‘Dr’ Fox admitting he likes watching Noel Edmonds on ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 10 YEAR OLD? because “he doesn’t talk down to the kids.” (To be fair, Neil, that’s probably only cos they’re all taller than him.)

Plus, Christopher Biggins (right) clearly believing he’d been chosen to host the show in honour of his own amazing comeback (yet clearly ignoring the fact that “Presenter, List Show, Sky One” is hardly an A-List CV topper.)

And one pundit recalling that when Patsy Kensit joined EMMERDALE “she just went for it and embraced it.” As she did when she first met Liam Gallagher.

Apparently.