Bring Back Big Brother!

This was certainly the funniest CBB ever, but was it the best?

It depends on what you're looking for. CBB1 - the one where Vanessa Feltz went mad - was short and had curiosity value in spades. Less than a week, a handful of contestants and it really was all for charity. CBB2 - the one where Les Dennis went mad - wasn't quite as funny. It didn't have Jack Dee, and everyone basically got alone fine.

There was a three year gap before it returned more or less in the format we know it today.

When Vinnie Met Ziggy

It's an odd business this Celebrity lark.

Poor old Vinnie's been moaning and a-groaning that there weren't enough A-listers in the house and that it got him seriously down in the dumps in the first few days. I don't quite know who he was expecting - Ricky Gervais and Freddie Flintoff? The fact is you're only going to do the show if you need a bit of a career boost.

You don't go in there if you're riding high. You've got so much to lose.

Alex the Underdog

According to Nicola he is "literally a labrador".

That isn't strictly accurate. A labrador has four legs, doesn't speak too much, is loyal, a little bit vain, a little slow, and likes a cuddle. So I know where she was coming from. A more accurate description, however, is that Alex was an underdog. And rule 1 of How to Win Big Brother is to be an underdog.

He entered the house as a 33-1 outsider, booed on his way in. By the day of the final he was the odds-on favourite, and won with over two thirds of the final tally. Where did it all go right?

Lesley Brain. Day 27. In your face Vinnie Jones!

 

Everybody is happy. CBB7 has ended on a high note. 

STEPHANIE turned back the clock to the eighties and came out of the house looking like something out of Dynasty or a Coronation Street awards ceremony. 

It had been a long haul for her but she turned out to be a better actress than I thought and she kept up the half-bitch, half-hysterical granny act until the end. 

Peter Briffa. Day 27. THE FINAL - LIVE!

 It's over, Alex picked up the CBB crown.. and who'd have guessed it?

Oh - I did, the day before. And all the other evictees. In EXACTLY THE RIGHT ORDER. This has never happened before!

Read on for my live blog from last night. And here's m'colleague Lesley's thoughts on Alex, Jordan and macaroons.

CBB FINAL: THE WINNERS' POLL!

Peter Briffa. Day 26. Alex Will Win

Some poor deluded fools still think reality tv isn't scripted.

They're wrong. Of course it is, down to the very last syllable. You think Vinnie didn't know Davina was going in? Of course he did. They all did.

Why's he had his head stuck in the Welcome Pack all these weeks? Because he's been learning his lines, stupid. How do I know this? Because I have seen the script for tonight's shows!

Lesley Brain. Day 26. From Big Brother to Animal Farm.

You are very clever, Big Brother! I bow down to you.  

Ivana, that triumphant product of  materialism and  consumerism, she of the Black Belt of shopping, has gone.

Her giant Louis Vuitton has been packed so that she can travel the world from fabulous home to exotic villa like some fantastic gipsy, never staying in one place too long, surrounded by controlled and controlling hench-persons.

Peter Briffa. Day 25. Chickenfeed

That went well, didn't it?

Davina enters the house and goes unnoticed for what.... five seconds?

You can't fool that Vinnie Jones. Hey, even I thought things weren't going to work out too well when I saw she had hooves on. Nicola left barefoot, remember. They were all talking, and Stephanie was her usual human self. How was she supposed to get away with not saying anything, being a foot taller than the page three lassie, and not even walking like her?

Peter Briffa. Day 25. Anyone Can Win

That's the thing to remember about CBB: it's a lottery.

Let's face it, if someone as uninterested in the show as Ulrika was can win, then anyone can. She was twelve to one in the final week and Verne was 3-1 on favourite. He came fourth. In the year Bez won Kenzie was the odds-on favourite on the last night. He came second.

It's all down to editing, of course. But it's also down to who is the underdog.

Lesley Brain. Day 25. If Ivana goes, I go.

Once upon a time nearly three years ago in that far-off land of Elstree and unreality I was interviewed by Dermot O'Leary about my brief time in the Big Brother house.

Why, he asked, did I leave so soon after all those long months of auditions? 'Because I thought it was going to be fun and boy, did I get that wrong!' That was my answer then and would be my answer now.

Lesley Brain. Day 24. The final winners

The things I do for you! I have just sat at the hairdressers for three hours catching up on reading all the magazines so that I am fully informed in order to make a definitive list of what should happen in CBB7.

And I mean SHOULD be the result.

So, I announce the result in reverse order.

Peter Briffa. Day 23. The Last Temptation of Stephanie

Startling news: Stephanie Beacham once slept with Marlon Brando.

I say "startling" because I at least didn't know it. But maybe it's yawn-making to everyone else. At any rate, Stephanie herself had tried to keep a lid on the news, refusing to confirm or deny the story to Nicola the night before.

And I say "once" but what do I know? Maybe Marlon gave her a second shot at it later on.

Peter Briffa. Day 22. The Last Temptation of Nicola

There's nothing like a successful task to send you rocketing up the favourites ladder.

Nicola's mission to insult everyone last night was great tv and has solidified her as number three in the betting. Dane likewise is firming up as the favourite. He got two tasks in one day, remember, the chilli and the nightmare ones.

Did long-forgotten Sisqo and Stephen ever get to chat to the Tree of Temptation?

Lesley Brain. Day 21. The slide into madness.

 We have reached that stage in CBB when we have lost touch with reality, though it could be argued that the celebrities only ever had a tenuous grasp on that in the first place. 

While The End is in sight we really fear for the mental safety of our inmates when they are released. Rest assured, happily they will simply go from one form of madness to another.                                                                          

Peter Briffa. Day 21. Vinnie Loses It!

It's over for Vinnie.

Check out the odds. He isn't even the favourite now, that status goes to Dane.

I can't see him pulling it back now. I can't see BB letting him. After what he said about Sisqo he's not only lost a lot of respect from the audience, he's also become too controversial. BB won't want someone who threatened violence like that to win the CBB crown.

Peter Briffa. Day 20. Get Vinnie Out!

What a big girl's blouse he is, isn't he?

That's Vinnie I'm talking about. So he can lie there in the bedroom, listening to Sisqo mouthing off about him - or so he claims - for three hours and he doesn't go and tell him to shut up.

Then he wakes up the next morning, goes into the diary room to moan about the distress Sisqo was causing to his family (?!) and threatening that it will all go to his solicitor.

Lesley Brain. Eviction night. Walking with Dinosaurs

 CBB7 is like one of those great  robot transformers that are in every sci-fi film. 

They clunk along, awkwardly plonking one foot in front of another, their eyeless heads seeing nothing as they aim clumsily at an unseen target with a paint gun. 

All you have  to do to avoid extinction is step sideways or pop into Starbucks for a coffee. 

Peter Briffa. Day 19. Save our Sisqo!

Maybe Stephen does resemble a weasel after all.

Anyway, tonight he's a gonna. The odds have tightened, and Stevie B is a dead cert to be the first evictee tonight. In fact the only doubt is whether it's Sisqo who joins him in the Big Mouth audience, and not Ivana.

How does that work? Sisqo at last does something, and make tentative steps towards confronting Vinnie, and he becomes less popular. People would prefer Ivana, who doesn't confront anyone, to stay?

Lesley Brain. Day 18. Spot the difference

When I see Vinnie go in to the garden to feed the birds I feel afraid for them, the birds, that is.

 

He looks like that evil American Colonel Quaritch in Avatar: 'Come to poppa.'

 

I expect him to draw out a machine gun or rip off their heads. 

 

Peter Briffa. Day 18. Stephen the Weasel

I thought it was a bit harsh of Vinnie to compare Stevie B to a weasel.

I mean, how many weasels have ever tried to convert anyone to Christianity? How many weasels would compliment Alex on his biceps? And it is only a gameshow. Just like the rest of them, he's only trying to win.

Yet the peculiar thing about Stephen is, considering how experienced he is at reality tv, how bad he is at it.

Peter Briffa. Day 17. The Trouble with Vinnie

I actually quite like him.

But last night's highlights would have tested the patience of a saint. They tested Stevie B's patience all right, and he's the closest we've got to Godliness right now.

Then again, Stephen's acccusations against the group about the way they treated Sov might have been more convincing had they come from someone else. Someone who doesn't go around spreading poison - about Nicola, for example - when it suits him.

Day 16. Lesley Brain. Who WON'T win.

At this stage I can reveal who WON'T WIN...

Nicola. She is depressed and de-moralised. I expect she will walk this week.

Stephen. Not because of the Bible-bashing but because no-one likes a professional reality performer.

Jonas. Those teeny white knickers are upsetting the old ladies. It's a generation thing. We like people to be clothed in the kitchen. And, as time goes by, in the bedroom too. 

Peter Briffa. Day 16. Loss of Sovereignty

Even by BB standards, last night was frenetic.

First, Sov was finally evicted, with 69.5% of the voters wanting her out. Then there was a quickfire, thirty second each set of nominations, leaving us with two out of the following going on Friday: Sisqo, Ivana, and Stephen.

So, come Friday, we will finally lose one of the men. And judging by the early odds, it looks like the wide-eyed Bible-basher Stevie B is going to be out on his ear, closely followed by Ivana.

Peter Briffa. Day 15. Frying Tonight

Lesley's prayer for a new housemate is answered on tonight's highlights with the appearance of Barry Fry.

He's a football manager ( in case she didn't know ).

Unfortunately - or fortunately, depending on your point of view - he's only there for a few minutes. Giving them a pep talk telling the lot of them to up their game. It's half time, and they've still got it all to play for.

Lesley Brain. Day 15. Anyone but Steph (or Vinnie)

 What I would like, oh Powerful One, oh Big Brother, is that you send in a new person. 

It needs to be a Big Celebrity. Someone who can knock the socks off an ageing footballer, actor and professional 'Ard Man and his moll, a woman who aspires to be a National Treasure and is succeeding merely in name-dropping from that in-bred village called Hollywood way back in the eighties.

Peter Briffa. Day 14. Sov v Nicola

Like Lesley says, Nicola is indeed in trouble.

She's up for eviction. No surprises that she's up against Lady Sovereign. But why Nicola? What has the thinnest page 3 stunner in the entire history of the world done to incur the wrath of her fellow housemates?

Search me. BB ain't telling, though perhaps all will be revealed on CBB's Little Brother at lunch time. And we'll get the full story at 8 on the highlights.

Lesley Brain. Day 13. Nicola's in trouble.

 Nicola – sweet, lovely, Nicola. Prepared to stand up to Vinnie even though she is not a premiership wag (the man is 'aving a laugh, surely), wanting to be accepted as the dutiful daughter – is at risk. 

Dull is the worst sin of a housemate. 

Worse than eating corned beef.

Peter Briffa. Day 13. Sov Survives!

It was extremely close.

Unusually, the vote lines for both evictions closed at the same time. Normally, they reopen, so you never quite know how things break down. But this time we know: Kat got 44%, Heidi got 28.6 %, and Sov got 27.4%.

I wonder what would have happened if they'd reopened after Kat was kicked out. Another ten minutes might have made all the difference.

Lesley Brain. Day 12. Cringe, Cringe!

We have had Alex, the actor and banisher of all wars.

Alex, the cunning manipulator of the media. Alex, the man who would die for Jordan. Alex, the boxer who has had a bit of bad luck and lost most of his fights.

And now we have Alex, the tri-sexual Christian convert who is practising the 'next big adventure' of impregnating Katie.

As Samanda would say, 'Cringe! Cringe!'